Lost first love
by Just Remember Life Goes On
Summary: "Its times like this when I think what my life could have been like, what the decisions of others did to affect the outcome of my life" What would have happened to Bella's life if Edward never came back in new moon? -one shot -tear alert-
1. Chapter 1

**Stephanie Meyer owns the wonderful twilight saga**

**Here is a little one shot of what could have happened in new moon if Edward had never returned and Bella got together with Jacob, please read and beware it may make you cry.**

**Also please review and tell me if it is ok, also if you want me to do one from someone else's POV, so pretty please review**

**BPOV**

I could feel the sun warming my pale skin as I sat on the wooden bench outside my home, looking up I sighed at the feeling. I looked out across the landscape; there were trees which seemed black against the magnificent reddish, purples sunset. Soon it was going to be night time, and I would have to return to the warmth of my home.

I felt a presence next to me as I heard the soft groan of the wood and a slight change in the breeze. I turned around and looked at him with a soft smile. Slowly he took my hand in his, treating it as if it was the most breakable thing in the world and gave a small kiss on the back of it, sending a tingle through my skin. Slowly he put it back into my lap, but he never let go. Instead he rubbed small circles into the back of my skin as both of us looked once more at the sunset.

Its times like this when I think what my life could have been like, what the decisions of others did to affect the outcome of my life. This sent my mind into a whirlwind of some of the pains in my life. If he had just come back then my entire world would be different

_But he didn't_.

He left me and never came back. I was alone and scared but he never came. I could still feel the pain of that decision. That time in my life was dark, yet I could not let myself regret it. Before then I never knew one decision could cause me so much pain, agony if you will, although it brought me closer to another. Jacob.

He was there; he was my sun who brought me out of the darkness I was wallowing in for months. He made me happy. Because of him I felt like I could smile, that I deserved happiness. When Edward left, so did the other half of me. I had truly become at whole with him. I let him see my weaknesses; I was ok being vulnerable around him because I trusted him with my entire soul and life. He had edged his way into my life and captivated me. Whenever I was with him I felt a tingling in my skin and warmth in my heart. I craved his company. Oh and when we kissed, sparks flew. I felt connected, part of me was inside of him, even if it was my lips, I felt at home. I had found the other half of my soul and was mesmerised by it.

Although it was taken away.

I should have known when I met him he was too good for me. He had the looks, the charm, the skills, and the compassion I craved in a person. Although some could argue he wasn't a person, he was a vampire. A creature known to suck the life and blood out of weak humans. To me, he sucked out my life, he took it away and I was left feeling raw and exposed. When we were together I guess I sometimes felt not good enough to him, but we were so at one I wouldn't tell my heart that. So he did.

That time in the forest still haunts me. To him I was a game, and I knew only once he won I was being played. That moment in time changed my future forever. If I was with him now, if he never made that decision, I could be half way across the world right now, a majestic vampire even. If so, I could be with him for eternity, although I suppose he had different plans. He told me he didn't love me and left me there to rot, alone and weak.

I admit I chased after him, although I was younger and at that moment I couldn't face the thought that he was going, never mind gone. My soul was viciously ripped away from me. Before hand every day I was with him, was able to at least know he would be there for me when I was asleep at night, although he vanished. Once the light had vanished that night I couldn't remember what happened to me. I can only recall my heartbreaking thoughts, which chanted though my head. Going over and over and over.

Apparently Sam found me that night, and carried me over to the form of my worried dad. I can just about remember the angry and scared face of my dad as he had called my name in relief and hurried over to me so I could be in his embrace.

After that night, I was apparently like a zombie; I guess I was to be honest. I had tried to put up a front but I was being eaten from the inside. No matter what I did I couldn't get away from the vicious thoughts of my mind. Although I thought I had no one to go to. Not only had I fallen in love with Edward but his family as well, and as a pathetic human I had believed they loved me too. If only I had known such a huge part of me could disappear in seconds, maybe I would have never trusted my love with them in the first place. But, because I had I didn't know who else I could turn to. I didn't trust many people with my love encase it was torn and burned by them as well.

For months I did what I knew I had to, I suppose to show the pathetic human was strong, although it was a mask, I could only show others one expression. Pain. Physically I did what I knew I had to do, go school, cook and clean. Although my mind would always be elsewhere. I couldn't get Edward off my mind but my memory kept taunting me with images of him, and it would leave me knowing I would never see him again.

During these months I had nightmares. They changed from time to time but they all showed one thing, me and Edward, he came back and apologised with sweet kisses, but oh too soon he would tell me that I was pathetic for trusting him with my heart again and he would leaveme. Every, single, night. The memory was excruciating, the feeling, never ending. For those months I was left in the dark. At times I would even be taunted so much that I felt like I could see or hear him.

Yet it was another decision which put me on the road to being fixed again. Never could I have known that one stupid and dangerous act could have potentially saved my life. Back then I believed that I needed to see him to feel whole and by going on that bike with a stranger, I found the trigger.

Adrenaline.

A simple act you could do to make you lose your mind, to get your heart pumping faster. Whenever Edward was around I would feel my heart start to beat faster, along with other things. With adrenaline I could see him, and it was that that I craved.

It was that decision to go on the stranger's bike in the first place, which led me to the decision which led me to Jacob. In theory it was a stupid decision to buy the two bikes, although all I wanted was to see Edward, although I ended up seeing Jacob. The days we spent fixing up the bikes were the ones which started to fix me. I still don't know how he did it but day by day I started to feel whole again. I felt like it was ok to open up to him, maybe it was an age thing, I don't know, although he was my sun who brought me out of my own personal darkness.

Before long the reason I brought the bikes was ready to be tested. It was a slightly chilly day, but it was clear in the sky. I can recall Jacob telling me how to drive the bike, his hands on mine, although I was stuck on seeing Edward. Before I knew it I was unsteadily setting off and my goal was achieved. I could see and hear Edward! Although he had become a distraction from what was in front of me in two aspects. The sight of him seemed to put me off course, and once the adrenaline had worn off I was back to being a girl who doesn't know how to ride a motor bike. One minute I could feel panic and the wind tangling up my hair. Next, was the feeling of pain as I was catapulted off of the bike and I went hurtling towards a hard grey rock.

Soon after the incident Jacob was by my side and rubbing my head. It was then I saw the second aspect. I was so focused on seeing Edward for weeks I hadn't seen what was right in front of me, Jacob. He had ripped his t-shirt off of his skin and began patting away the blood I hadn't even realised was trickling down my face. When I saw his body, I immediately realised he wasn't the younger boy I had looked at him at, instead he was a grown man who was caring for me.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but in the next few months I was slowly falling for Jacob, he had saved me from dying in my own self wallowing and fixed me up slowly and gradually, building up my trust in boys and allowing me to slowly love again. I was never rushed into feeling emotions for him, it was slow and gradual, and exactly what I needed. Jacob was what I needed.

It was also in those months I realised Jacob wasn't the human I thought he was. In fact he was, to put it clearly, a warm and caring wolf as well. Although, this wasn't found out in the conventional way. At first I thought he was leaving me. After a night at the cinema he stormed out not feeling well after a convocation we had. For weeks after I thought he was ill, although he never picked up the phone. In those weeks I was alone I started to resort back to my old life. One with Edward still in it. I don't know why, but I began seeking out a part of him which I knew was still there. The meadow.

After searching for it one day I stumbled across it, although it wasn't the magical place I once knew. It had died like I almost did when Edward left. The once colourful plants had turned brown and the ever green grass layed limp on the floor. I had stumbled into the middle of it when I was hit by someone else's decision.

Laurent's.

He had come after me, a decision made by Victoria. When he looked into my eyes I had sworn I was going to die from the kind which my Edward was. A vampire. To me his red orbs signified my death. I got to a point where I was going to welcome death. Edward was gone and Jacob was becoming more distant, I couldn't go through that again. When I was on the brink of dying under his hands, a pack of magnificent creatures emerged from the darkness in the woods. Huge wolves, the size of bears and the speed of a cheetah, yet in the reddish brown one I could see a sparkle and warmth in his eyes.

They chased him away from me and death disappeared. After that came the day where I found out Jacob was in fact the reddish brown wolf. I had come to see him although he was asleep. Outside his house was the group of boys I had seen with him days before. The people I accused of taking him away from me. I had gone up and after arguing with them I had shoved one of the boys, Paul. Big mistake.

I had provoked anger in him, causing his body to rapidly shake with anger. The sound of Jacobs voice alerted me to the danger I was in. As I ran towards his moving form he jumped as I fell to the ground. Before my eyes I saw my Jacob transform into a magnificent wolf, the sight was breathtaking.

Paul also seemed to have turned into another of these creatures, and they were fighting each other before tumbling into the depths of the woods. Soon I was being edged into a car, still in shock, and was off to the wolf pack house. I began talking to the boys driving me and soon I met Emily, the friendly wife of Sam. Although when Jacob returned I felt relief and I was finally able to relax. From then I got to know the "pack" and more about the stories behind the pack and the reasons why they turned into wolves. During this time I found a new family, who stayed with me unlike the Cullens.

After knowing why Jacob stayed away from me, I was able to be with him again. It seemed as if I was a magnet to creatures in storybooks. We were able to spend time together like when we were fixing up the bikes and my heart slowly twined with his. I also got to know all of the pack and locals of La Push to the point where they felt like a second family to me.

Within a year I was able to accept that I loved Jacob once he made it clear many times he loved me, no matter how many times I tried to deny it I couldn't tell him I didn't love him in one way or another. And of course Charlie was happy with this; I think he always wanted me and Jacob to get together, so he accepted our relationship with ease. Yet when I agreed to be his girlfriend, no matter how much I don't like that term, I still felt a tang of guilt for going against Edward, although I had to tell myself he was gone.

We had this relationship for the next few years; yes we went through a lot although he would always make me laugh and smile. During this time another face from the past returned, Victoria. She was hell bent on killing me as revenge for Edward killing James. To a point I was pleased Edward was gone, Victoria couldn't get the proper revenge she had wanted. Edward probably wouldn't care if I was dead, as he left me for it.

Although after much protest, the wolves went to kill her. I was scared stiff that she would kill them. I remember Emily holding my trembling form as I wept in fear of their lives, of my Jacobs life. I had been so scared she would kill them once they had set off; I had never felt such relief when they returned back home safe and sound, stumbling back into the house moaning that they were hungry. Jacob had leapt into the room and picked me up swinging me around, kissing me on the lips.

Kissing Jacob was different to kissing Edward; it seemed more relaxed, less intense, which I suppose is a good feeling. I can feel the care rolling off of him every time we embrace each other. Mine and Jacobs's relationship is calmer, less intense and easy going, yet it is still as strong as mine and Edwards, I think.

Within 3 years me and Jacob were married. It wasn't a large wedding, it was more like a small affair but it was just what I wanted. I wore my mother's wedding dress and Charlie walked me down the aisle. Although Jacob looked amazing in his tux, I ended up crying I said my wedding vowels and my wedding kiss with Jacob was the sweetest I have ever had. Jacob had spent those three years saving up for our wedding and honeymoon, of which we spent on a romantic road trip to a small hotel by the sea. It was also then when I gave my virginity to Jacob, as he did to me. It was then when I felt at one with Jacob. After then me and Jacob started to get closer and closer, and the more I was able to forget the dark time of my life.

Once the sun was out of sight I woke up from my reflection and looked back at Jacob. Time had served him well although he had decided he wasn't going to allow himself to be a wolf so he could be young forever, instead he gave it up years ago. He still had his dark tan skin, which was embedded with small wrinkles and his once jet black hair was now almost completely gray; although he still has the warm brown eyes of the teenager I fell in love with. For me I feel like my age of 75 years hasn't served me as well. I feel weak at times and my once pale skin was covered in wrinkles, my hair completely gray and I have crow's feet by my eyes.

Slowly we got off of the bench, hand in hand, and we walked into our little wooden house by the beach in La Push. Once we were inside he gave me a small, kiss on my hand before releasing it and opening up the bedroom door as he went to his dark green recliner in the living room, where he always sits of an evening. Slowly I got changed into my night clothes, as quick as my body would allow, and went off to the bathroom to wash and clean my teeth. Once this was achieved, I went back to the bedroom and slid onto the bed and snuggled under the warm covers. I put my hands on my chest which was rising up and down with my breathing, as I looked up at the cream ceiling.

I have to say even after all of this time I can never hate Edward, he left me yes, but the time when we were together changed my life. Some of the feelings I had with him I still haven't felt with Jake. I do love Jake, and he has never done me wrong, although Edward has always been my first love, my first kiss, and first person I have given my heart to. All I want from him now is to see his face in the flesh, to accomplish what I wanted to see from when I craved adrenaline, from when I craved Edward. Although after all of these years that will never happen. He left me, and that was his decision, although his decision allowed me to be close to Jacob.

As I was about to close my tired eyes I heard Jacob shouting, he was probably having a go at the television or something, although I could feel my hearing going. Soon after I heard the noise I saw light flood into the room as the bedroom door opened. I gasped as I saw Edward walk in. What was he doing here? He left me; he made his decision years ago.

He came over to my probably shocked form and gently took my face into his cold hands and sat on the bed. He still looked the same Edward I had fallen in love with, although a small smile blessed his face. When he touched me I still felt tingles travel through my skin. I could see the reflection of my aged form in his warm golden eyes.

"Bella, don't close your pretty little eyes, not yet" he whispered, his voice still sounding timeless.

I felt confused as he said this, although I kept them open, even though I could feel them wanting to sleep as they were drooping. I gave him a small nod and his smile grew a little.

"Bella, what I said all of those years ago was wrong; you aren't not good enough for me, I'm the one who isn't good enough for you. Bella, my world is dangerous and I wanted to give you a chance to live, which I hope I have done. Bella I'm so sorry I lied, but I do love you, forever I will love you, never forget that sweetheart, now you can close your pretty little eyes".

I whispered a small "thank you" as I allowed my eyes to close. My Edward had come back, I got to see him and I felt like the other half of my soul had returned. I felt him lean down and kiss each of my eyelids, before kissing my forehead and lips. A feeling of life surged through me as I felt darkness slowly start to take me over. I truly felt whole as he whispered a heartfelt "sleep well Bella" into my ear as the darkness completely over took me.

Later that night I died in the arms of my first love.


	2. extra note

**I just quickly wanted to add this, Christina Perri's a thousand years. I think it fits into my one shot although I can't work out which POV. Which one do you think? Also it's a beautiful song, I can imagine either Bella thinking it or for where Edward comes back. Thanks for the review and carry on doing so please! :) **

Heart beats fast  
>Colours and promises<br>How do be brave  
>How can I love when I'm afraid<br>To fall  
>But watching you stand alone<br>All of my doubt  
>Suddenly goes away somehow<p>

One step close

I have died everyday  
>waiting for you<br>Darling, don't be afraid  
>I have loved you for a<br>Thousand years  
>I'll love you for a<br>Thousand more

Time stands still  
>Beauty in all she is<br>I will be brave  
>I will not let anything<br>Take away  
>What's standing in front of me<br>Every breath,  
>Every hour has come to this<p>

One step closer

I have died everyday  
>Waiting for you<br>Darling, don't be afraid  
>I have loved you for a<br>Thousand years  
>I'll love you for a<br>Thousand more

And all along I believed  
>I would find you<br>Time has brought  
>Your heart to me<br>I have loved you for a  
>Thousand years<br>I'll love you for a  
>Thousand more<p>

One step closer

I have died everyday  
>Waiting for you<br>Darling, don't be afraid,  
>I have loved you for a<br>Thousand years  
>I'll love you for a<br>Thousand more

And all along I believed  
>I would find you<br>Time has brought  
>Your heart to me<br>I have loved you for a  
>Thousand years<br>I'll love you for a  
>Thousand more<p> 


End file.
